The Commitment
Throughout my journey with God He has shown me that his faithfulness comes in the most unusual ways but always works out for the best. I have been thinking a lot about writing a new blog, and wanted it to be truly unique so that it’s message could be unusual in a way that glorifies God. I have found the perfect circumstance to fit that desire.
My daughter is a little over three years old. When she was born I felt like time stood still. We locked eyes in a special way and I knew that she had an angel presence about her. She was beautiful, alert, and quiet in such a gentle way that it took my breath away. I admired her from the beginning and had a knowing that she would be better then me. I want her to be. I want her to become the woman that I am still striving to be. With each moment that passed since her birth she left me amazed with her presence. It was like she just “got it” from the very beginning. Everything was easy with her. I could go anywhere and do anything and she just knew the right way to be, act, and interact along the way. It was hard to believe this was only three weeks into her sweet life on earth. Around the one month mark I began to notice that she was coughing and making funny noises. I took her to the doctor but because it was the weekend, it was a doctor she doesn’t normally see. He didn’t perform any tests and tried to tell me that she had “physiological reflux”. I went home frustrated and did some research. I couldn’t find anything on this whatsoever. A day passed and then another while she declined. I called Lynsie to talk but ended up getting some good Mom advice. As a nurse, Lynsie listened to me and suggested strongly that I call back. I did and that was the moment that saved my daughter the first time.
I took her to her regular doctor and he quickly noticed her symptoms and diagnosed her with RSV. I had heard this term but didn’t really know what it was all about. He informed me that it would involve further treatment. I felt some guilty relief in that moment thinking “great, let’s get some antibiotics and get her better.” He informed me that she would be going to the hospital for “supportive care.” So I drove her to the hospital and spent a grueling 32 hours with her. She was easy and compliant, it was watching her getting poked, suctioned, and throw up multiple times that took it’s toll on the both of us. I realized that my “perfect” daughter already had a big bump in the road. I think in that moment I still felt like it wasn’t a big deal but secretly was very concerned. She improved dramatically and we went home. No one prepared me for what was to come. I learned that babies who have RSV can be diagnosed with asthma. What followed was months of coughing, wheezing, sleepless nights for all, and panic as a Mom who wanted her daughter to recover. I realize that this is minor compared to what other children and people go through. I also have learned that pain is pain and it still hurts no matter what the situation may be. I have been to the doctor with her more times then in my entire life without her. She has had what seems like every test and organ checked out before the age of two that I couldn’t think of what could possibly be left undone medically at that point. I panicked, had anxiety, cried, and was feeling concerned that this simple nightmare would never end. Yes, the sleepless nights got to me but not because I couldn’t manage, but because I couldn’t stand to watch her suffer night after night. I began to do what I know works beyond all human intervention. I began to pray.
I didn’t get demanding or unfaithful with my prayers but I just began to ask for a healing in God’s timing. One of the things that I have learned is that God is going to do whatever He wants according to his will, so I began to ask that if she is going to have asthma that it be easy and manageable for her. I began to accept this as her new normal. I made some diet changes for her and started to see some improvement. Summer is here is always the easy season for her. As she continued on not really getting worse but not really getting better, I began to decline. I have always struggled with allergies but as I have aged it has gotten worse. I began going to an allergist and discovered I am allergic to what feels like just about everything. I have an allergy to some foods, environment, and even pet allergies I was unaware of. It seemed like at this point my daughter and I were both struggling. My prayers began to change as I realized from speaking with my doctor that it was possible my condition could get worse. I began doing allergy shots only to find out after a year I have had even more symptoms. I never really prayed about my situation because I have been concerned about my daughter since basically her birth. One night I was praying and thinking about accepting her circumstance asking God to help me accept this for her if this was his will when he spoke to me. The holy spirit was clear in saying “She’s growing out of it but you are growing into it.” At first I was bummed but I was so quick to respond and say “give it to me.” “If it means that she can heal, I will take it, all of it.” I felt peace and understanding with that prayer. I felt that I was heard and that God would do something.
Just a few days ago I went to the allergist for my annual appointment to follow up and report my symptoms. I have been struggling to breath and it has become more apparent to me that something has changed. After talking with me and completing his exam, he informed me that I officially have asthma. Of course at this point I was a little sad and frustrated. As I came home and let it sink; in two things came to my mind. The first was if this is the worst thing I have to deal with at this moment that I am doing okay. The second thing was a sweet reminder from the Holy Spirit about God’s plan. I was quickly reminded that I was “growing into it” as I had discovered in my prayers. I felt some relief because in that moment all I remembered was that “she is growing out of it.” I could only think about my sweet daughter who deserves the best. I realized that it was a reminder of the transformation God would make in her life. I have always known that God works in mysterious ways but this situation proved that his plan is unique and that He keeps his promises. I felt so passionate about sharing this because it really shows that God will do what we ask of him even if it means a sacrifice. I am excited that I have to look forward to my daughter having a complete healing. I also know that God will give me the resources to manage my own symptoms. I feel so confident with such a simple medical issue that God will help me to overcome this in whatever way that I can. I know that it is much easier as an adult to deal with this then it would ever be for my daughter.
I share this because I think it is important to remember that we serve a God who is faithful and will commit to us as long as we commit to him. We also serve a God that heals and provides the means to heal even the hardest of circumstances. It reminded me that I might need to sacrifice for the will of God but that He will continue to protect me and my daughter with only the best intentions. Being in the commitment with God means sacrificing, but it also means receiving blessings beyond measure. I have learned that when the Holy Spirit speaks, it is the God given truth and is not to be taken lightly. God has the final say in everything so we don’t have to be afraid with what He hands us.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and He will make your path straight.” Proverbs: 3-5
www.johannaandrews4tc.com
Sometimes it is the tiny blessings that come through a small voice of a big God that really push our faith to a new level of surrender and understanding.
I often wonder why at times I still question whether or not God will answer a prayer that I so desperately want answered. As I reflect on my precious daughter and her health challenges that she has faced at the early age of a month old, I am reminded that God has a plan for her too. I have spent many nights praying for a total healing for her and not knowing if that healing will come. I finally found myself asking God to just give me a glimpse of an answer.
As I made my request He led me to my Bible:
I opened to Matthew 17:20 and there in front of me was my tiny answer.
“Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20
So that is it. All it takes is a tiny bit of faith to believe that God will release the burden, provide the healing, answer the prayer, and move the individual plan forward for all of us. As He confirmed my need for tiny faith I am reminded that it just might be the tiny belief of the miracle amidst the “unbelief” and the question of the situation, that activates the big power of our God who knows it all.
To increase faith one must also consider the gift of other Christians who create a power to help grow that tiny faith. When we gather together for the purpose of the will of God our faith increases and so do the miracles.
“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
Matthew 18:20
I love to serve and believe in a God who answers prayers because He cares and wants the best for all of us.
After the surrender, I knew that things would change. When I finally decided to give God a chance at directing my life, and overwhelming sense of peace and relief came over me. It was exciting to know that God would be at work in my life and begin blessing me with things that at the time, I had only dreamed of. My new excitement for this new life turned into many efforts to plug in to God. I began going to church regularly, volunteering, and changing my focus from things of the world to things that I hoped God would give me. I wanted love and stability eventually with a husband and family of my own. As a broken person without God, those things seemed so far away. Sometimes they seemed truly impossible. As I began sorting through my feelings I had to make the transition from all these negative feelings that I had to beginning to realize that I too was worthy of a great life.
This was not easy. I began to put all my hope and trust in him. I will admit that I was scared wondering if God would really remember me and begin to give me the blessings and life that I really wanted. Slowly as I continued to grow deeper in my faith, small blessings and answered prayers began to come. I began to make new friends that would be life long and have success with work and financial stability. Most importantly living life with God meant tremendous growth in my prayer life. As I began to pray and read the bible I began to find answers to many of the questions that I had about life. It was comforting; and the deeper I grew in my commitment the more that God continued to show up in my life.
I often remember encountering people that would express how nice it was the I had found God since they had never had success finding him for themselves. It helped me to understand that life in the commitment meant that I had to stay faithful. As I began to love God and reflect on the past, there were moments when I realized that He was always there for me. I remember feeling his presence as a little girl just not knowing what it was at the time. In the commitment there are little moments in time when He confirms that he is there and listening. Blessings came and challenges were easier since I knew what direction I needed to channel those challenges in. I needed to stop looking to cure my pain with the things of the world, and start letting God work on my heart. Months and years went by in the commitment where there were big changes, and then there were things that seemed to remain unchanged. As I experienced both short changes and prayers still needing to be answered, I began to understand God’s timing in the commitment. I never knew when the right time would be for answered prayers, but I sure began to understand that God had a specific plan with the perfect orchestration of events that would be available when He was ready. It wasn’t always easy. The distractions and the false impressions that others were giving about how great their life was sometimes got in the way of my waiting. But one thing remained permanent. The voice of the Holy Spirit continued to confirm to me that as long as I stayed in the commitment, God’s promises would come to pass in my life.
For six years I prayed for a person to spend my life with. It seemed like an eternity. Everyday I would lift up that desire to God and pray that when the time was right, the perfect soul mate would show up in my life. I waited and prayed, and waited and prayed. The commitment taught me to be patient no matter what the cost. If I was connected to God and had a real intention to seek him daily, then he would keep his promises to me. Then one day, it happened. God’s promise came to pass and finally a prayer had been answered. Confirmation that the commitment was real and always in the works was an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I will never be able to put into words. During life in the commitment one of my favorite verses comes to mind:
Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her. Luke 1:45
To find out more listen to the radio interview about the commitment; follow the link below.
https://www.dropbox.com/s/oddomi9keizbt5p/AuthorTalk-341543_1.mp3?dl=0
There are so many days when life seems a bit hard. Then I reflect back to the days when I didn’t have the blessings that I have now, and I remind myself how great of a life I am living. I know how important God is to me and I know what it is like to feel completely hopeless even though as a person still knowing that he is there. I had major questions as to how he was going to fix me and my life.
Growing up I didn’t have the strongest family unit and eventually it split. It wasn’t the worst scenario that existed, but it caused me pain in my life and in the years to come. I often felt like orphan Annie as I tried to navigate life and gain some normalcy. It was always a struggle for me. I remember going to college and things seemed to improve. I finally felt like I had a place of belonging. I was happy, thriving, and still figuring out the rest of the pieces of my life as were many other young adults. As I entered my twenties, I took a back slide. I got into relationships that weren’t really healthy and found myself feeling more lost with an enormous void in my life. I often asked many questions of the universe. Why am I not happy? Why is nothing enough to help me feel complete? After searching in all the wrong places I had come to some conclusions. I was lost, lonely, confused, and sometimes desperate.
I couldn’t quite describe it because I didn’t really know what was wrong. I had friends, a good job, and several positive things going on in my life, yet I remember countless endless nights of loneliness and confusion where I would cry myself to sleep. It always seemed that everyone around me was prospering and I was stuck in this vicious circle of life that seemed to get me no where. Even though this sounds so depressing, there were many times when I cherished my alone time and was able to appreciate it. But what would happen when I didn’t want to be alone anymore? Who was going to be there for me? Again, not having a strong family unit, I did what I could to rely on those that were there for me in the distance. My sister and I held on to each other during difficult times in our lives, but I still needed more. I wanted more, and I wanted to feel whole again. Not sure if I ever had, but I remember thinking that it would be so nice getting up in the morning and being excited about what my day would bring. I began praying. I began asking. I began seeking. There were highs and lows. There were moments where I felt so loved by God and still moments of loneliness and confusion. Slowly over time as I began to understand the promises of God, some patience grew.
I started to feel real love and some security in my new faith. I began to realize that there were promises in my personal plan that God had for me. I began to let go of some of the past and move forward forgiving myself for anything that left me feeling empty and unloved. It was time to move on and learn that the faith I had on the inside was enough to experience a God who would make me feel whole again. I was ready for normal. Whatever that meant, I too was at a place of total surrender. I remember over and over again every night asking God to be with me. Asking that He help me seek him so that I may have a better life for myself and whoever was going to be in it. This was not easy. I had several people tell me I “can’t rely on the Gods to make things better.” Even though I was committed and didn’t need any motivation, this was surely something in my mind that encouraged me to grow closer to him. Even I started to doubt at times. I wondered what if the people of the world were right? How would I justify all my praying and believing that God had a better way for me. I didn’t know if the proof would ever come. More importantly I didn’t know if the blessings would ever come. What I did know was that I was willing to learn about God, grow closer, and give Him a chance. As time went on I left the rest up to Him……
https://www.dropbox.com/s/oddomi9keizbt5p/AuthorTalk-341543_1.mp3?dl=0
My husband and I were taking it back today with a little Guns ‘N’ Roses and their song “Patience”. First off, we are aware that music is completely different than what it used to be. We were able to appreciate the song and remember that we should listen to the music of our generation more often.
Second, we realized from hearing the lyrics that sometimes a little patience is just the right medicine to keep the stars aligned in the household and everything flowing smoothly. I’ll be honest, as a wife and mother, I never thought that the two greatest gifts would challenge my patience the most. My husband and I are pretty patient with each other but certainly have our moments. It is when I step into the role of motherhood that I really have to recognize and work on my level of patience. Sometimes I think that there is an expectation when God delivers a promise or answers a prayer that it comes with a layer of perfection. I have been reminded gently and in a loving way through my prayer, that his promises and gifts don’t always include perfection.
Not that I want things to be perfect because I want to continue to have a justification for God in my life. I certainly know that I am not perfect. It helps me to put things into perspective and realize that we all struggle with patience at times. Even the most precious gift or answered prayer can be challenging. This is a great reminder for me that God plans the path but I take the steps. He can’t control me, but he can help me control myself if I allow him to be involved in my thoughts, moves, decisions, and everyday steps that challenge me to be a better person all around.
Sometimes I just have to take a step back and remind myself to breath! Life is life and God is God. A powerful force that gives us the tools to navigate life and find an outlet to discover what patience really means. I don’t think that patience is a timeframe but rather a process to learning how to manage life in a way that is pleasing to yourself, family, and to God. Something I am going to continue to work on.
In the process of fulfilling what God is calling me to do, I have many roles. I am a wife, mother, author, and also a behavior therapist for the school district. As a person who has an education in social work and somewhat of a haunted past, I have always been drawn to the less fortunate, underprivileged, emotionally disturbed, and persons who are struggling in general. I have come to some conclusions that have helped me along the way not only be a better advocate for persons with behaviors, but also heal from my own past.
There seem to be two types of internal problems. There are the surface problems and the core problems. Just like an apple the surface would be the skin. The core would be the inner workings of that apple which includes the seeds. As complex humans we all have a surface and a core. When dealing with my students that have emotional and behavior disabilities I remember that they too have a surface and a core. The surface would involve the; noncompliance, refusal to work in school, hitting, kicking, biting, yelling, temper tantrums, and anything that they show outwardly. Often times, I have observed that the surface shows the stuff that the core can’t deal with.
It is the core that I have great interest and concern with. This would be the inner trauma and “damage” that a person or child has experienced. The longer the core goes unresolved it seems that the worse the behaviors become. Clearly there are answers to dealing with the core. There are coping skills and other techniques that allow a person to exhibit self control and begin to be a part of the solution. But what happens when a person (or child) doesn’t feel like they can control their core and experience a different way of dealing with things? I have certainly encountered many in this situation and continue to encounter these types of individuals.
As much as I try to follow the rules and be diplomatic; I continue to pursue the advice of a counselor which includes learning about one’s emotions, coping skills, tracking progress, and discussing results. This has always helped and continues to be a vital key ingredient for a person’s progress. However, as a person who struggled with her core, I feel compelled to admit that ultimately, I needed God. I needed him to come along side of me and change the parts of my core that failed me in terms of coping, talking, tracking. What I realized was more powerful then the damage that had been done. It was that God can change a heart. What’s in your core? Have you considered the divine intervention of God to help you change that core and rebuild or repair?
I am coming to a continued realization tonight as I remind myself it is not about what I want but always about the plan that God has for me. It is hard for me to remember that I can’t control everything in my little earthly world. Even though I trust God and have been committed to him for quite sometime, I too am human. I also have trouble letting go whether it is work related, my kids, love, or life things that come up. Then I realized today when I was reflecting that I am not doing myself or God any favors. All this holding onto things out of my control only gives me sleepless nights and anxiety that I don’t need to have.
So what does this really mean? It means that whatever the struggle or outcome is, I accept. I will be okay. My family will be okay. Life will be okay, because as long as I am in the commitment whatever is going on is in the plan. That is all I really want. The plan. If the healing doesn’t come, so be it. God knows what he is doing and there is purpose and meaning in the struggle. Sometimes it’s not perfect and sometimes the plan hurts. But that heartache that we all feel is part of God’s as well. He is in charge of that heartache and he knows what we are dealing with. So I continue to remind myself to let him deal with it. I don’t want it. I don’t want the stress, the struggle, or the pain. I will deal with it, but ultimately I am lifting it up and asking him to take it all.
The freedom that comes with that mentality is profound and something I want to feel regularly. When was the last time you lifted up that struggle to God? I have prayed for years before knowing that he will do whatever he plans to do. Let it go, trust, and be patient. Keep praying and living life. It is up to God to figure it all out and let you know what you need to do. Freedom means allowing God to take over and you just need to relax and stay in the commitment.
I remember when I re committed to God, and was attending a denominational church reflecting on the experience and feeling like it wasn’t enough. As I prayed, I realized that I had to come to terms with the idea that God may call me somewhere else to worship. This could mean giving up what I always thought was the only way. I recognized through this process that there is not really a “one way” in terms of worshiping and drawing closer to God. He did in fact call me to worship at a non denominational Christian church, and so I went to experience what would be a new awakening for me. I enjoyed this new church more then I ever thought that I would, and realized that it is okay to step outside of what I know if it is in fact what God is asking me to do.
God will ask us to do lots of things that we never thought we would do, but I have found that the unknown has led me to new experiences that are real and life fulfilling. It is not about living life one way or staying in the same spot because we think it is what we are supposed to do. It is more about being open to the idea that God has new possibilities that we would never before have considered. If what we already knew worked out to a divine plan with growth and prosperity, then we wouldn’t need God to lift us higher. His ways are higher and in the long run lead to more successes and deeper fulfilment.
The difference is that what I knew led me to an emotional plateau and what God had for me led to spiritual and emotional feelings that had not yet come to the surface of my heart. Once I trusted him and experienced this new church it made me realize that my potential with God is far greater then my own plan for my life. Don’t be afraid to trust the direction he leads you in.
As we continue our journey with God, he uses certain people and resources to connect with us and speak into our lives. Just like he has his “tools” of communication, we have ours for him as well. Our biggest tool is prayer. When I first began my journey I used to worry if I would know what the right prayers would be for my life. As I continue my journey I realize that prayer is somewhat situational and changes as we grow into a deeper relationship with God.
A hard lesson I had to learn was that there is a difference between praying and begging. Praying means that we talk to God and make our desires known by letting everything go and communicating with him as much as we can. Begging means that we demand and attempt to put stipulations on our conversations with God. Sometimes praying means that we have to let go of whatever we are holding onto in order to gain what God has in store for us.
Begging does not speed up the plan that God has for us. Praying gives us many opportunities to grow closer and as God speaks back into our lives, we gain an understanding of the calling that he has for us. Without prayer, it is hard to stay connected and into the commitment that we start with God. Take time to pray and take extra time to pray with others. I promise, because I know, that God will show up and deliver whatever he has in store for you.
“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
Matthew 18:20
As I think about the origin of The Commitment, I realize that it began before it even began. In other words, my past experience, feelings, emotions, and familial status all drove me to the commitment. The entire time God was with me but I didn’t realize that He had a plan for my life, or really even that He loved me and wanted me to have a relationship with Him. It wasn’t until I began searching to fill that void that the discovery and surrender began. I feel like in some small way we all have holes, or a void that we are looking to fill in our lives. For me, I really didn’t know what I was searching for; I just knew that I wanted more. I wanted more than earthly relationships, conditional love, brokenness, and compromise. I wanted real love, a purpose, a plan for my life, and ultimately happiness.
After trying to complete my life on my own and failing with feelings of desperation, I finally surrendered. It was so enlightening to think that there was another way to this life of mine. I was going to finally stop trying and let God be the director of every step I took. This began my journey which lead to a lot of spiritual growth and a lot of blessings. I didn’t know it would be so hard. I didn’t even know that at times I would want to give up. I had the faith to believe that God would never let me down. It was scary at many points along the journey, and sometimes still is. There were many times when I wanted to give up because settling for easy things in my life seemed so comforting at the low points. What I realized was that after I had committed to God, He wouldn’t make the escape from Him easy. He knew that there were many moments of doubt and He continued to show up so that I wouldn’t give up. I can’t say that I would have changed anything. I can only say that I wish I had someone in my life early on to tell me about the commitment. That is when I knew. I was going to have to tell my story for anyone that needed it.
I was so driven by the thought that there would be someone out there just like me who didn’t have anyone to speak the word of God and truth into their lives. It was time for me to collect my thoughts and put them in order for someone else to hopefully grow from. As I mention in the book, “our journeys won’t be the same but our God is identical.” So my motivation grew into a finished product. I hope that we can all find some faith in our lives because the thought of living without God in this world could mean that we sacrifice everything. I don’t know any other truth or any other way to live. It all begins with Him. To get a glimpse into The Commitment and my story, you can access the following link:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/oddomi9keizbt5p/AuthorTalk-341543_1.mp3?dl=0
